The Cat and the Firefly
by Ego And Psyche
Summary: Hiroki has moments when he has no idea of what to feel, or what to do with himself; no matter when these times of darkness come, there's always one person who flits in and out of his life...a pinprick of light in the gloom that surrounds him...a firefly. And just like a firefly, he is forever beyond Hiroki's reach. Egoist AU with Neko!Nowaki.
1. Prologue

_Prologue_

* * *

_Pathetic_

_Déjà vu_, Hiroki thought.

Only this time it was not Akihiko asleep in the clearing. In fact, Hiroki had never seen this person before. It was a boy several years younger than he was, dark-haired and looking thoroughly exhausted in the afternoon sun that surrounded him; his eyes were clenched shut and his slight frame heaved with the fitful sleep of someone who had everything to fear.

Fourteen-year-old Hiroki knew better than to wake him up but he did so anyway, stretching out a cautious hand and gently tapping the boy's shoulder. He jumped back, startled, when the eyes flew open immediately. They were a blameless shade of blue and thoroughly disoriented.

Then the second pair of ears perked up, then the tail twitched.

'What in hell—!'

_He's a neko?_

There was no mistaking those ears, which perfectly matched the black of the boy's hair. A neko—not even out of kittenhood, by the look of him—had somehow found its way onto the Usami estate…and into their base.

'This is my base', said Hiroki immediately, incensed at the thought of a trespasser just wandering by. He tried to smooth out the surprise that still cracked in his voice and added, more roughly, 'you can't be here without permission.'

The sleepy eyes just blinked. Hiroki, who had half-expected a replay of the exchange between himself and Akihiko, scowled. _Doesn't he talk?_

'I'm sorry', the neko mumbled. 'I didn't know this place belonged to anyone.' He raised his eyes to meet Hiroki's briefly before turning away. 'I'll just go, then.'

* * *

"_How'd you find this place?"_

"…_I tried to pet a cat on the street, but it ran away. I ended up following it here. The sky drifts lazily in this leafy space…the combination of blues and greens and whites is dazzling."_

* * *

'Wait.' The word was out of his mouth before he could stop it, and the catboy halted on his way out to look back with some curiosity. 'What were you doing here, anyway?'

Slender shoulders shrugged. 'I just found this place. I was looking for somewhere to sleep. I…'

A little smile. 'I actually just ran away from my owners.'

_For real?_ Hiroki thought skeptically, eyeing the innocent face of the boy. _He evidently doesn't know better than to go around telling people that._ 'How old are you—never mind. Did you just say you ran away?' While there was no reason to disbelieve it—and the boy didn't look capable of lying anyway—Hiroki found it hard to imagine him being driven away from a home.

_He ran away…_

_What did his owners do to him?_

The dark head bobbed in agreement. 'Sorry', he said again. 'I'll leave.'

_This is Akihiko's land not mine and I have no right to make decisions here—_

'No, it's all right.' Again, his mouth had overtaken his mind. 'You stay here if you want.' _I'll talk to Akihiko. Or whatever. He's got nowhere to go._

The neko's stiffened shoulders did not slump in relief at this offer; he stayed where he was, eyes listless and gauging. Hiroki had a sudden impression of a wounded animal. _He's part animal anyway…if I'm not firm enough, he'll run. But if I get too close, he'll fight._

_I wish Akihiko would hurry up and get here, if he's coming at all today. Stupid rabbit._

'Just stay here', he said tonelessly. 'If someone catches you wandering around outside, you'll be caught and returned to your owners. I'm assuming you don't want that.'

'Really?' asked the neko, with such sincere curiosity in his voice that Hiroki almost laughed.

'Yes, really.' He indicated the grass-covered clearing with an impatient hand. 'Sit, why don't you?' He really did feel like the captain of a base now, he thought wryly. _And this kid's behaving like I'm going to kill him on home ground._

It took another sixty seconds, but eventually the boy was sitting a few feet away from Hiroki in a very similar posture. Hiroki was unable to decide if the neko was being impish or merely obedient, so he made no comment until his guest made to lean against the trunk of a solid-looking tree for support.

'Don't do that!' he said sharply, and the boy's back shot away from the tree as though it were electrified. He regarded Hiroki with wide eyes; Hiroki caught himself hastily and relaxed, offering an apologetic shrug. 'That tree—it's reserved for someone. They should be coming any moment.'

_Yeah, right._

Akihiko was not going to show up.

_That doesn't mean I can let a random neko have his place._

He thought of Akihiko's unfathomable eyes following the skate of his pen as he wrote, watched the neko's blue ones look away, and decided he could.

'Or—on second thought, just sit there if you'd like.'

Another one of those comfortably strained silences followed.

Then the catboy scooted back against the tree and rested his back against its sturdy length, allowing his eyelids to droop. Hiroki looked at him a moment and then looked down at his knees.

The evening breeze would soon be picking up, he thought; Akihiko's school must have gotten over long ago. _…so he really isn't going to come._

_It's the weekend, too._

_I don't mind._ He didn't mind. He never did mind when Akihiko disappeared without warning; they'd made no promises to meet everyday, and he knew Akihiko needed his space too. _He's so much more like a cat than a rabbit._ It was nothing else, he kept telling himself—the silver-haired usagi was a solitary person. He couldn't possibly have made other friends. Newer, better friends.

He told himself he was fine, and one of the lesser-loved voices in his head decided to speak up.

_Pathetic._

He particularly disliked this voice because it was so honest.

The breeze raised the long grass into the air, so the ground looked like gooseflesh and the dark-haired neko almost human when his hair flew in front of his cat ears. The tail whipped around his slender body as a meager blanket would, and Hiroki thought he looked just as pathetic as himself.

_You're welcome to be my guest at my pathetic, deserted base._

_Who the fuck are you and what are you doing here? Where's Akihiko?_

'I'm sorry?'

Hiroki gave a start of surprise and realized, to his mortification, that he'd been thinking out loud. 'Nothing. I was just—just talking to myself.'

'Kusama Nowaki', said the neko suddenly.

'Huh?'

The boy gave Hiroki a quizzical look. 'You just asked me who I am, didn't you?'

Cheeks coloring slightly, the older boy nodded. 'Well, I'm Kamijou. Kamijou Hiroki.'

'And I'm here because you let me be here', muttered Kusama Nowaki. 'And—I don't know the answer to the third question. Sorry.'

_Wonder if anyone except Akihiko ever knows the answer to _that _one._ 'I wasn't expecting you to answer', said Hiroki, his voice more sullen than he'd expected. 'I know you wouldn't know where…'

_What am I doing?_

He shook his head and inhaled slowly. 'I'm speaking nonsense. Sorry. Um—you—you said you ran away from your owners. Why?' he bit his tongue almost as soon as he'd spoken; in his hurry to change the subject, he'd grasped at anything he could find.

Nowaki looked neither amused nor unhappy. 'I just got tired', he said simply. His eyes sought some faraway point over Hiroki's shoulder. The older boy decided not to press the subject, but found himself speculating almost against his will as to what anyone could have done to such a defenseless little thing.

_But he doesn't look fragile, does he?_

No…while the neko was fresh-faced and guileless, there was nothing fragile about him. Hiroki scanned the lanky limbs wondered how tall he would be when he stood. _Tough, somehow. Even if he doesn't know it yet._

And…

Nowaki raised a hand and began to scratch, lazily, behind a furry ear. _Cute._

_Now I really am pathetic._

_I can't stay here,_ he thought suddenly. Akihiko was not coming. If he stayed on too long, with nothing but a lost neko and his progressively darker thoughts to keep him company, he'd just be killing himself. _I need out._ _This place is bad for my health when he isn't around._

_So now I've lost the sanctity of my base to someone who isn't even interested in it?_

_Well, _muttered the hated voice, _you did lose your heart in much the same way._

He stood so abruptly that his joints cracked. 'I'm going', he said briefly to the startled boy. 'Stay here for as long as you want. I need to go home and get my homework done.' He picked his school bag up off the ground and shook it slightly for emphasis.

_Pathetic._

'You're—leaving?' Nowaki said. Hiroki added the question mark mentally, since the neko's voice had actually been anything but questioning, and nodded. 'Yeah', he added after a moment, turning away. 'See you.'

_Damn it…does no one care if I'm around or not?_

'I—'

Cursing himself for it, Hiroki spun around at the sound of Nowaki saying something. The catboy looked overwhelmingly hesitant as he said softly, 'I don't have anything.'

It took some time for the older boy to process this. 'You don't have…anything? No food, you mean?'

Nowaki gave a small shrug. 'Well, that too.' He lowered his eyes and stared fixedly at his own feet. 'I just…no, I'm sorry. It's all right. I…'

_He doesn't have…anything._

_He has nothing._

So he really had run away from home. It hit Hiroki between the eyes.

He was kneeling next to the boy in one second flat. 'Hey, Nowaki…'

'Kamijou-san?' Nowaki asked, evidently puzzled at the sudden change in attitude. Hiroki noted the use of his surname with a dim sense of relief before pushing it away and leaning forward.

'I'll get you food', he mumbled, overcome with a sudden awkwardness. 'Just wait here for some time, my home's right across the street.'

Nowaki nodded, eyes still wide. 'Okay. Thank you.'

_That's not enough._

There was another long, silent moment that was anything but comfortable; Hiroki struggled not to bury his face in his hands at the very thought of doing something that was so stupid, so—

So random—

_So pathetic._

'Here', he said gruffly. He raised a slender hand and ran the fingers through the neko's hair; it was not a ruffling motion, nor quite a pat, but he hoped it was comforting. He had not forgotten the desperate fear on Nowaki's face as he had slept. 'It's all right. I promise I'll be back.'

Nowaki smiled.

oOo

_I can't believe I didn't bring him home._

It only struck him many years later that his parents would never have allowed it, but at the moment all he could think of was how stupid he had been not to take the neko with him in the first place.

Because by the time he returned to the base, Nowaki was gone.

And in his place, Usami Akihiko was leaning against his usual tree, looking like he hadn't moved for hours. _I couldn't have been gone more than forty-five minutes._

'Akihiko…what the hell are you doing here?'

It was the first thing that he could think of—never mind his relief that his friend hadn't ditched him after all, he needed to know what happened to the neko he'd left behind—and while he visibly struggled to get his thoughts in order, Akihiko raised an eyebrow as his long rabbit ears twitched derisively. 'Someone's rather unhappy to see me.'

'That's not it', Hiroki growled immediately. 'Didn't you see anyone around here?'

'What are you talking about?' Akihiko yawned. 'There's never been anyone else here. I've been sitting in this place for half an hour anyway, I'd know if somebody had come. Why, were you expecting a friend?'

_He had a fifteen-minute window of time, and he ran away._

_Why did he run away?_

And then, all at once, _screw him._

He'd had it with people disappearing on him. _I did tell him not to leave or he'd get caught. If he wanted to risk it anyway—but what was with agreeing to wait and then leaving?_

_Some sort of fucking joke?_

'No, not really', he said quietly, answering both his own question and Akihiko's. _Joke or not, he's gone. And…_he fought the smile that was rising. _Akihiko's here._ 'I've got sandwiches, if you'd like.'

'Any carrots in them?' the rabbit asked idly, rumpling up his hair. Hiroki was irrepressibly reminded of how he'd run his own fingers through Nowaki's hair…while he still had no explanation for it, he'd only been trying to help. It was with a rather surprised pang that he recalled the neko's grateful, wide-eyed smile.

'No carrots', he said. 'Sorry.' _They weren't meant for you._

_He's gone, the damn neko's gone. Let it go._

But letting go of that memory proved every bit as difficult as convincing himself that he wasn't losing Akihiko.


	2. Second Sighting

_Second Sighting_

'Hey, Kamijou-kun. Or should it be Kamijou-chan?'

Russet eyes snapped away from where they'd been contemplating the street corner visible from the window. They regarded the man sitting on the other end of the table with some annoyance and thinly veiled reproach.

'Cut that out', Hiroki snapped. 'It's just "Kamijou" to you. I didn't come here to be patronized—if you've got nothing better to do, I'm leaving. Excuse me.' He really did make to rise from his chair, but was stopped by a hand resting on his upper arm—a hand that rested lightly for now, but that Hiroki knew could also come down heavily.

'No need to be hasty, is there?' his companion purred lazily. 'And face it, Kami-kun…you're here for the same reasons as I am, so you've got nowhere to go if you leave.'

_Point taken._

Reluctantly, hoping the man would take his flush of mortification to be one of anger, Hiroki sat back down.

'How old did you say you were?' _Satou. Did he say his name was Satou? Or was it Suzuki?_

'Eighteen', Hiroki said quietly, his eyes daring Satou/Suzuki to disbelieve it. 'Want some ID?' _No, it's definitely Satou._ Satou raised an eyebrow, then smiled in a way that was a whole lot less evil than the younger man had expected. 'There's no need for that. If it's good enough for you, it's good enough for me.'

The atmosphere having cooled off somewhat, Hiroki found his eyes being irresistibly drawn to that same corner again. He was no stranger to this curious fascination-he'd been fighting the urge to look there for an hour. Even before he bumped into the mysterious Satou, who was after all the very sort of person he'd been seeking for days.

Specifically, he was looking for the pair of eyes that he'd caught staring at him from the evening gloom of the alley. They'd appeared for the merest of seconds before blinking out of existence again, but he couldn't forget them: piercingly blue, wide with surprise, and most certainly looking straight at _him_ from across the street. In any case, wondering about them was more pleasant an activity than remembering why he was eating with Satou in the first place.

Because he'd never done this before and Satou knew it, but there was no way he'd admit that was nervous; the nerves just reminded him of the way he felt around Akihiko and Akihiko was—

'Kami-chan?'

'_Hiroki, I'm in love with-'_

Hiroki turned back to his companion, fuming silently. 'Yes?' His heartbeat sped up sickeningly when he realized how close Satou's face was to his own; the man had leaned across the table and Hiroki could see every laughter line around the handsome but careworn mouth.

_Are you going to kiss me with that mouth?_

But the deep green eyes were gentle. 'Nervous, are you?' There was no flicker in them when the younger man stayed silent. 'Not the first time I've seen this, so there's nothing to be afraid of.'

He leaned back with another one of those unnervingly nice smiles. 'How about I pay for dinner? And if you don't like the...' he coughed delicately, 'for lack of a more creative word, "dessert"...we split the bill. Sound good?'

While bringing money into the equation gave Hiroki the funny feeling that this was no more than a business transaction, the neutrality of that same feeling also stabilized his precarious equilibrium and enabled him to keep his face passive. _He really does know what he's doing_, he thought. _Only...how many other people has he fed the same lines to?_

'Sounds good.' His tone was unwavering as he now watched Satou's hand dip into a pocket, emerge with a muted brown wallet, and flip it open with a gracefulness that the eighteen-year-old envied.

_Are you going to touch me with those hands?_

'What say we get out of here now?' the older man asked pleasantly, waving the waitress over to where they sat. Hiroki cast one last helpless glance at the alley where he'd seen the eyes before nodding.

'Yeah', he mumbled. 'Let's…let's get out of here.'

Akihiko's name streaked through his mind for one miserable second and he shivered, a movement that did not go unnoticed by the alarmingly suave Satou. 'Something wrong, Kami-kun?'

_Nothing more than usual._ 'No', Hiroki said flatly; his voice sounded thick to his own ears, trying to be heard over his pounding heart. He caught another glimpse of those patient green eyes before fixing his gaze on the table again and found himself thinking, _are you going to see me naked with those eyes?_

It would be galling to show his nervousness, but even more so to have Satou walk out on him now. He wasn't sure of many things right now—and he would have given a lot to know what the deal was with that creepy pair of blue eyes over at the corner—but he knew that if the older man left for any reason before their little "dessert" could be finished, he was never going to live it down.

He squared his shoulders and looked up. 'Well, what are we waiting for?'

The amused sparkle in Satou's face said: _precisely this moment._ Hiroki scowled. When he stood this time, he was not stopped but accompanied.

_With how many other people have you done this?_

'That would be a breach of confidentiality if I were to tell you, now, wouldn't it?'

'Huh?' Hiroki looked at him, taken aback, then bit his tongue so hard it almost bled. 'Fuck! I mean, crap—whatever—I was talking to myself. Sorry.' He turned away to hide the color on his face as they stepped into one of Tokyo's summer nights. _All these years, and I still can't stop thinking out loud?_

_If Akihiko enters the picture at any time tonight, I might just have a problem…_

_What am I doing?_

Apropos of nothing, he felt a lean, shirt-sleeved arm land around his shoulders; the contact was not unpleasant, and certainly a distraction from his progressively moodier thoughts, so he welcomed it as such. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Satou smile at the lack of objection and stifled a weary sigh.

'There's no need to apologize', the man said presently.

'I'm sorry?'

'Just a moment ago', said Satou, waving his free hand as an aid to explanation. 'You said "fuck", then apologized and substituted a "crap". Do you honestly think I care about you _saying_ something like that when—'

_When we're going to be doing the real thing in some time?_ He didn't need to say it; both men understood. Hiroki shrugged as well as he could with the arm still around him. 'I'm just not used to swearing in front of elders. My parents were particular about that sort of thing when I was growing up.'

'In that case, they're both obscenities, so you might as well pick the one that expresses your feelings better.' Satou winked at the younger man, who considered for a while, then nodded.

_At least you're nice. And intelligent._ They were straws that he wasn't even going to try and clutch at.

_You're going to hold me with these arms._

He felt gooseflesh creeping up his own arms and knew that Satou must be noticing it too; before he could even think of a conversational topic that would both calm him down and distract his companion, a light pat on the back had him averting his eyes in dismayed embarrassment. It was no use hiding from someone who was years ahead in terms of both experience and age.

'Why are you so nice, Satou-san?' he asked softly, after a few minutes of walking in relative silence down a busy road.

Satou was quiet for a second before laughing. 'I guess you're half-expecting me to say that no one was ever this nice to me, so I decided to be good to the newer ones and make them feel better because I didn't want them to be nervous?'

'Of course not', Hiroki said, rolling his eyes. 'I expected you to say that no one would sleep with you if you weren't nice.'

The laughter receded from the older man's face, leaving behind that same, unexpectedly attractive smile. 'You're a smart young man, Kamijou. Well, that's the truth in a way, but…'

The smile gleamed even brighter, and in the space of a half second, Hiroki could have sworn he'd become more handsome.

'Still think no one would sleep with me if I weren't nice? Would _you?_'

Hiroki thought for a moment, and Akihiko's gentle smile came to his mind.

'_Hiroki, I'm in love with Takahiro.'_

'No, I wouldn't', he said apologetically. _You've been kind to me._ 'Sorry to disappoint, Satou-san.'

He never saw the blue eyes flash in and out of the night again as they watched him disappear into an apartment complex with Satou. Tokyo was huge, and there were too many darkened alleys for him to have noticed.

But while Hiroki did not notice, he remembered.

oOo

**[A/N] Oh, and somewhat belatedly: this lady is back! xD Well, you probably gathered as much, but whatever. Coming up is an update for FTR and then maybe I can finally finish that YFF lemon for SHT…*sweatdrop* I've probably lost my fast-updater reputation for good, haven't I? Gomen…I'll be****better from now, I promise.**

**This fic is just an exercise in breaking the usual Neko Hiroki/Inu Nowaki tradition (as you may know, I have a thing for scorning conventions. Heh.) by making Nowaki the neko. I seem to be addicted to Nowakis with a hecked-up adorability quotient…OTL**

**As always, my reviewers have my everlasting love. *showers blessings***


	3. Drawing Dawn

_Drawing Dawn_

**[A/N] So I found a way around having to write any Hiroki/OC lemons. ^_^; Enjoy! I appreciate alerts and favorites like no one else, TheNoir, but reviews are in a completely different league…just so you know. :3**

oOo

Something flashed through his mind just as every muscle in his body tensed for the second time. It was the same thing that he'd seen the first time, he knew that; but by the time he'd pieced the face together, he was sinking again.

It was like falling through a dream…no, it _was_ falling. And he was already dreaming. The dream was so thickly woven that he barely felt a ripple as the softening muscle pulled out of him.

Satou was panting, but every whoosh of the man's breath on Hiroki's face seemed more and more distant by the second, until they were light puffs of breeze in a dark, warm and unbelievably comfortable world that he never wanted to leave. He kept his eyes shut long after they could open again, refusing to loosen his grip on his partner even if it was embarrassing.

_He's nice anyway,_ some part of him was mumbling dazedly; his mind was still unfocused, the thoughts unraveling as they blossomed. _He won't mind. Let's just stay like this._

_I can't stay like this._

'Tired, are we?' a pleasant voice sounded from high above Hiroki. It echoed in his now silent mind for several moments before he grunted noncommittally. Almost immediately, Satou slipped out of the limp embrace and laid the younger man beside him on the bed, and Hiroki was glad he felt too sluggish to speak. _I still can't figure out if he's actually considerate or just a really smooth bastard._

His eyes were still closed and he made no move to open them until the raspy warmth of the other man's breath tickled `his face again. _You're going to kiss me now?_

'Kamijou-kun', came the voice, deeper this time. Gentler too. Nonetheless, Hiroki shied like a startled bird at the first brush of Satou's lips on his own, and his eyes widened with a prohibition that he had not known he was feeling. Before Satou could begin to speak, he turned away and forced his eyes to close.

'I'm tired, Satou-san.' His own voice was hoarse and quiet and pulsed in time to the throbbing he felt below. '…good night.'

He sensed the man draw closer and stiffened in reluctant anticipation, but all he felt was a rough hand run through his hair, smoothing out a sweaty tangle before withdrawing. 'Good night, Kamijou-kun. My door's always open, and I mean from inside and out.'

He paused briefly before adding, 'I mean, you're free to go as well as come anytime.'

_I don't know if he's a bastard or not, but the fact that he's probably done this several hundred times before still pisses me off._

Several hundred times before…how many of those times had been with virgins, like him? How many people had he practiced his seduction on before meeting Hiroki?

'Hey, Kamijou?'

Hiroki let out a 'hmm' that he hoped Satou would interpret as him being half asleep already, even though his racing heart had not quite calmed down and his mind was picking up its usual pace all too soon.

'You never gave me your first name, you know.'

Hiroki was silent for a moment; he searched for a good enough excuse, and found none. 'Well, you never gave me yours.'

'Do you want mine?' Satou asked softly. _Stop talking like that._ His voice was tender and made Hiroki want to sleep in it. _You really are a bastard._

'If you think that's going to make me give you mine, no, thank you.' He knew he was being all too curt for someone who'd been emitting the most undignified range of sounds he'd ever heard coming from anyone just minutes ago, but he was too knocked out to care by now. He had little patience with first names.

_I won't let anyone but him call me that,_ he thought fiercely.

There was a lull so long that Hiroki had begun praying his partner had fallen asleep. Then the serenely mellow voice spoke up again. 'Well, maybe I'll give it to you someday anyway. Oyasumi nasai, Kamijou.'

_Someday?_

His brain had no desire to process any of the implications behind that in its present state, but long after Satou's deep breaths had dissolved into inoffensive little snores—the one vice Hiroki found in the entire fucking _evening_ they'd spent together—he stayed awake, listening to his own heart beating, feeling his stomach chill with the thought of what he'd just done.

And there was no denying that right up till he'd come, Akihiko had not entered his mind, not once.

_Does it matter? I still came while thinking about him._

_Of course I would._

_Akihiko, where are you now?_

oOo

Tokyo was icy as the dawn broke over his head, the sky not bright enough to fringe his hair with gold. He tried not to shiver and tried not to feel the matching chill within himself.

'Akihiko, it's cold', Hiroki whispered shakily. His breath swirled around him as he walked on. 'I want _you_ to stroke my hair.'

He'd left Satou's apartment in the end; somewhere, he knew, the man had suspected he would anyway. That last kiss he'd almost been pulled into had crossed the line.

_We're not lovers._ _That was clear from the start._

_And still…when I was with him, I didn't have to think it was Akihiko. _The mouth that had kissed him—kissed him with some delirious sort of urgency—the hands that had touched him, the arms that had held him had all been Satou's, and they had felt good.

_And still…it's cold._

_The cold feels like Akihiko._

By the time Hiroki had walked two-thirds of the way to his apartment, he was visibly shivering. It was with some effort that he bit back a sneeze as he shoved his hands deeper into his pockets.

_I have school today,_ he thought suddenly.

_I just let a virtual stranger fuck me,_ he thought, just as suddenly.

_Why is it so damn cold?_

_Ugh, I really am pathetic._ He shook his head violently and trudged on, though he was starting to lose the feeling in his feet now and his hands had been numb for what felt like hours. The cold was spiraling through his skin, storming his heart, and yet he was sure that it was not so much the weather as his own mind causing the chill.

He smiled grimly and muttered, 'I could get used to this.'

'I wouldn't advise that', said a voice from behind him, taking him unawares.

He spun around with an exclamation. _He's been following me, Satou's been following me all the way—_

But the sidewalk was deserted. Hiroki's eyes darted wildly around the empty street, his heart drumming at his ribs. _It's not bad enough that I tend to talk to myself, now I start hearing disembodied voices too?_ 'Who's there? Where are you?'

The silence welled in his ears, laughing softly.

'Satou-san?' he said, more sharply this time.

_Please don't let me be insane as well as pathetic now._

'I'm here', came the voice again. This time, Hiroki identified it as coming from the alley he'd just passed, and approached it again with equal parts trepidation, annoyance and curiosity. 'Who're you now, and what d'you think you're—?'

The figure was leaning against the wall of a building and appeared to be shrouded in darkness at first; then Hiroki noticed the woolen hat pulled down to his ears, the turtleneck pulled up to his chin. From covered in darkness to covered in black, however, was not much of an improvement in the smaller man's eyes, seeing as this person was at least a couple of inches taller than him.

'Who're you?' Hiroki asked roughly.

The figure shrugged, his eyes invisible in the half-light. 'Nobody important. I just said it wouldn't be a good idea to get used to walking around like this. It—it isn't safe.'

'You're walking around, aren't you?' Hiroki pointed out, his voice brusque.

'I'm part of this place', said the figure quietly. If Hiroki didn't have the man's size right before him to suggest otherwise, he could've sworn it was the voice of a young boy. 'I've lived in Tokyo for years. I know all the people who have the potential to harm others, and they wouldn't harm me.'

_What are you, a yakuza?_ 'Well, thanks for your concern, but I need to go. And it's none of your business whether I "get used" to walking around like this or not.'

'You're going?' The eyes shot up, and Hiroki was completely unprepared for the wave of recognition that crashed upon him. There was no mistaking that blue.

'Yeah', he said hoarsely, unable to believe it. _I'm being followed all right. This isn't good. This isn't good. This—_ 'See you.' _Or not._

'Wait!'

Despite himself, Hiroki did not break out into a run, but looked back at the shadow with disbelief that was targeted just as much at himself as at the other person.

'You're cold, aren't you?'

'That's none of your business!' he snapped, a welcome tinge of heat spilling into his cheeks. 'I'll be fine, just get the fuck away from—'

'Take this.'

Again, he told himself that he was waiting against his will, that he was only staying where he was because he was so goddamn cold, but when the stranger approached him with an inaudible, almost feline tread his heart gave a leap regardless of the reason.

Something flat and woolly was pressed into his hands. 'Here.'

He looked down and saw a pair of gloves peeking out between his numb-knuckled fingers. He looked up and into the eyes that he'd remembered so well, and they no longer frightened him.

They just irritated him.

'Stop trying to play the hero.' He could barely feel the gloves as he held them out. 'It's freezing and I don't know you from Adam. What're you trying to pull?'

'You're cold', said the man-boy simply. The longer he spoke and the longer Hiroki kept looking into those eyes, the certain he was that he was indeed speaking to a boy, probably no older than fourteen. 'I'm not cold', he continued, voice still low and sincere and everything that Hiroki had not found in Satou's calculated tones. 'My hands are always warm. See?'

The heat that wrapped around Hiroki's fingers for a too-brief moment was so intense and glorious that the man nearly moaned. Before the cold could slip back into him, though, the larger pair of hands were back, pushing his nerveless ones into the black wool with patient care.

'Keep them, please.' _Why are you smiling?_ 'Frostbite isn't pretty, I can promise you that.' _Why are you doing this? Who are you?_

_Thank you?_

_Thank—_

'I should be going now', was what actually came out of Hiroki's mouth. The blue eyes were unreadable as the dark head nodded.

'Okay. See you.'

Without warning, the warmth was now on his head, the long fingers combing through Hiroki's tousled hair. It was searing hot where he felt the skin brush directly against his forehead as the boy withdrew his hand, and he fought against the suddenly overwhelming desire to close his eyes and lean into the touch that had sucked away every bit of the cold in him.

'It's all right', said the boy. _Why are you smiling?_

_Who are you?_

'Bye', said Hiroki quietly. He tried and failed not to look over his shoulder several times as he walked the rest of the way back home.

When he finally fell into bed, almost weepy with exhaustion, he was asleep before he could even take the gloves off.


	4. Ash and Escape

_Ash and Escape_

* * *

'Hiroki?'

Akihiko was holding out something that nineteen-year-old Hiroki recognized, to his faint horror, as a cigarette. 'Want one?'

'No, I'm good', muttered the literature student, fighting the words that rose up next. Since it was a losing battle, 'you didn't tell me you'd started smoking…'

The reproach was evident, but Akihiko merely shrugged. 'Sorry, wasn't a big deal. It's just a convenient stress-buster right before deadlines.'

_But I bet Takahiro knows anyway, doesn't he?_ Hiroki said nothing, looking away and at his knees. For all his yearning to see his childhood friend—which seemed to grow stronger as they grew further apart—he now suddenly wished Akihiko would leave him alone.

'That means you have a deadline to meet right now, doesn't it?' he said quietly to his feet. 'Go finish writing.' _Then, if you have any use left for me—any at all—please come back._

'I'm done writing for today', Akihiko said offhandedly, taking out a lighter with an ease that must have come after weeks of practice. _You never told me you started smoking. I never saw you smoking._

_How long has it been since you last came to see me? Do I even remember? Do you?_

'I want to sleep.' Akihiko sounded genuinely weary. 'Let me borrow your bed for a while, all right?'

'Go do something about that reclusive nature of yours', Hiroki said reflexively, voice rough but unenthusiastically so. 'What do you think my apartment is for, stupid rabbit?'

The rabbit in question twitched a long ear. 'Speaking of reclusive natures… I'm not the one who spends every day of every month either in school or at home.'

_That's because you get dragged out by your editor, or you go to meet Takahiro…except I spend far more time away from my apartment than you suspect. I just don't do it at a time when you're likely to find out, even though I know you'll never just drop in._

_I wish I could hate you._

'I have enough things to take up my time', Hiroki replied, choosing his words with little care. 'I don't need to run to others only when I have to use them for something.' He got to his feet and began making his way to the kitchen, uncertain as to what he wanted but searching for something to keep himself occupied. 'Just go to bed.'

With his back to Akihiko, the silence seemed to stretch on interminably. It was only when Hiroki felt the cool heaviness of a hand on his shoulder that he realized it had not been a wholly empty sort of quiet.

The author's voice was unbearably close to Hiroki's ear. 'Hiroki…you're upset?' It reverberated with the innocent concern that he could expect from no one else, but it was also filtered through the wisps of cigarette smoke that now wafted around them, blameless in their tight tension.

_What was your first clue?_ Hiroki thought bitterly, as some part of him chanted maniacally, _yes, I'm so very upset. Cheer me up. Cheer me up. Cheer me up. _'I'm fine.'

'You're not', Akihiko insisted. A faint tugging told the smaller man that the usagi was trying to turn him around, to make eye contact, but he stayed where he was. His bare hands flitted robotically over the kitchen counter, toying with a butter knife; his threadbare thoughts strayed to the bedroom where a pair of dark gloves nestled comfortably in a drawer. He needed their warmth right now. It wasn't the first time Akihiko's touch had chilled him. It wasn't, by far, the first time the gloves had warmed him.

'I'm fine', he repeated. 'Go to sleep. Aren't you sleepy?'

'Hiroki, listen to me.'

_Like I can stop listening to you._

'What is it?' he muttered miserably, willing his voice not to crack. Praying that the shaking of his body was not reaching Akihiko through the hand that still rested on his shoulder. He told himself that his eyes were stinging only because of the acrid burn of the cigarette smoke.

'You need to get out more. That's what's wrong with you. I never see you go anywhere but school.'

_You don't see me go to school. You don't see me come home from school. Don't fucking kid yourself._ Hiroki closed his eyes and gave up on trying to control his trembling entirely.

'Are you still listening?' Akihiko asked softly.

'Yeah', the brunet whispered with every ounce of effort he could muster.

'You know, I keep getting invited to all these idiotic parties that I hardly ever attend… how about I take you to one of them?'

The words took some time to pierce Hiroki's consciousness fully. _"I keep getting invited…idiotic parties…take you…to one of them…?"_

_What?_

'What are you talking about?' he asked finally, his voice as unsteady as his legs. A rush of breath landed on his neck as Akihiko sighed.

'It's better than being cooped like this, and you might even meet some interesting people. It's fine if you don't want to go—I'm just trying to help, you know.'

_Go to a party with you?_

_With only you?_

'I'll go', he said immediately. The obvious question of whether or not Takahashi Takahiro would also be attending danced over him, but he ignored it. _My happiness hangs by too fragile a strand as it is._

_My happiness…since when has it depended on you so completely?_

'You will? Really?' Akihiko said, the surprise evident in his words as well as the squeeze of his hand as it lifted from Hiroki's shoulder. 'That's good.' Hiroki tried to hear a smile in his voice and almost succeeded. He did not turn around.

'Go to sleep, Akihiko', he said, almost pleading now. 'I—I have work to do.'

'If you say so', the taller man said lightly. 'But I'm holding you to your promise.'

_Go away. Please stay._

_I can't be around you anymore. I want to be by your side always._

_When did I become like this?_

His eyes followed Akihiko to the bedroom; watched him slip effortlessly into the bed like it was his own, toss his glasses onto a nearby table, and close his eyes. The cigarette had disappeared at some point without him realizing.

He counted to two hundred and ran for the door.

oOo

'Hiroki?'

'Yeah?' he responded acidly, giving away none of the several frantic thoughts running through him as Akihiko leaned closer. The usagi's deep violet eyes were wide but held no surprise, only an unsettled question.

'Hiroki, are you drunk?'

Hiroki snorted. _Just my luck._ 'Not quite. When did you see me drinking tonight, anyway?'

'I hardly saw you _not_ drinking', Akihiko said heatedly, though his gaze seemed dispassionate. 'Even if you weren't reeking of the stuff right now, you had a glass in your hand all evening. I think I saw you taking it to the _bathroom_, even.' His voice came down heavily on 'bathroom'.

The brunet fought to conceal his flush of anger and mortification. T_hat's the one time you chose to see me? Heading for the bathroom with—_

'I was actually looking for a place to throw it away', he said stiffly. 'It turned out to a be a bit strong.'

'I'm sure', said his friend, shrugging. 'I'm sure Namikawa was also going there for the exact same reason.' His eyes flit off to the side, towards the entrance of the building they were leaving, then settled on Hiroki's indignant face again. 'I know it's no business of mine—'

'Then shut up.' Hiroki was no mood for bullshit; his head ached, his throat was on fire, and he'd drunk a great deal more than he'd given Akihiko to understand. 'You know it's no business of yours, right? If so, don't fucking ask.'

'You didn't tell me—'

'That you'd started smoking', Hiroki finished smoothly. 'We're even. Now shut up and let me—walk.' He'd been about to say _let me concentrate on my walking_, he thought, biting his tongue. Akihiko may know full well how much he'd had to drink before he could let Namikawa so much as touch him, but the idiot didn't need confirmation.

'Do you need help?' the usagi asked unexpectedly, looking away.

_Stop it, stop it, stop it._

'I'm fine.' It came out a lot sharper than it was supposed to, but even through his bleary eyes Hiroki could not deceive himself into seeing any hurt on Akihiko's face. _Don't touch me._ The alcohol was what seemed to be setting his veins on fire. Yeah, it was the alcohol, he though fiercely.

'You're not fine', Akihiko said softly, making a swift motion as though to catch hold of his friend. Hiroki shied away almost on reflex; the thought of the hopelessly ignorant usagi touching him now was less welcome that the thought of touching a raw wound. _Don't touch me!_ He would not let the sober, somewhat startled Akihiko support his stumbling legs all the way to the train station. Not even if his sudden movement had upset his balance and he was now tottering alarmingly on his feet.

Not even if he was going to fall, declaring to the world exactly how much he'd drunk before he could let Namikawa screw him senseless with Akihiko just twenty yards away.

Not even if Akihiko was now standing over his spread-eagled body, face blank, outstretched hand cold and unreadable.

_Not Akihiko..._

'Don't', he spat. The burn of his grazed elbows joined the alcohol that was coursing through him; he began scrambling away on his hands and knees, trying to get to his feet on his own despite his sudden nausea. _Get away from me._ 'Don't touch me!'

The author made no move to close in on him, but something in his eyes shuttered into darkness. He turned away and the slump of his shoulders pulsed in a sigh.

'Hiroki.'

Hiroki's eyes stung too. He was heartily sick of hurting all over; the unabashed concern and equally unbridled ignorance in Akihiko's voice was just another slash of self-loathing that he had no capacity to deal with, and as much as he despised his current situation he _knew _that it would kill him if he tried to uncover Akihiko's emotions right now. He needed to get away.

_Don't touch me, Akihiko._

'Bye', he choked out. 'Good night.' With a superhuman effort, he heaved himself up on his feet and began half-stumbling, half-running in the opposite direction. His head spun, but his vision was not so unclear as to betray him; he prayed he would lose Akihiko in the side alleys of the roads so he could drag himself home in peace.

He could still hear that worry-laced voice behind him, clear but growing fainter. _Hiroki! Hiroki, stop! You'll hurt yourself!_ Heavy footfalls. Akihiko would probably be unable to outrun him even with sobriety on his side; the brunet had an athletic childhood to thank for that. He increased his pace, fighting the bile that was searing the back of his throat. 'Stop following me!' he tried to yell over his shoulder, but his breaths were growing short already and the words fizzled out in the night air. _Like he would listen._

A ludicrous image of Akihiko running came to his mind—the usagi was fast, but not as fast as Hiroki, and his floppy rabbit ears somehow lent a comic air to the whole thing. The first time he'd seen Akihiko run as a child, he'd said as much. Akihiko hadn't cared.

_Idiot._

It was definitely the cold that was making his eyes water. He rounded a corner.

_It really is cold. I can feel it even though I'm burning._ Every gulp of air was chilling him from the inside out, while the alcohol raged in him from the outside in. He shook his head, willing away his dizziness as the pounding in his temples intensified.

Akihiko's cries were drawing closer.

_Not Akihiko._

_Hide. I can't run, but I can hide. _The world wasn't spinning just yet and he desperately hoped it wouldn't start now—he just needed an alley, a corner, someplace dark where he could disappear in the shadows and pray that Akihiko would just run past. He could wait for his animal fear to dissipate and try to make it back on his own.

Anything—and he was sure of this, drunk or not—would be better than spending one more moment under Akihiko's curious gaze.

_I need to get away._

If he so much as tripped, it would be over. He could either run as fast his legs could carry him or not be sick, but it was too much to hope for both now; he had to run, he he could not stop—

'Hiroki!'

_No,_ his heart screamed, almost sobbing.

As he his legs began to slow, he let the first tear fall.

Something enormous—something sky-black and swift—materialized before him, seemingly out of nowhere. Before he had time to focus on this apparition, their eyes met; a powerful pair of arms was thrown around him and he found himself hoisted over a broad shoulder, knocking out of his lungs the little remaining air he had left. He had no wind to fight or even shout as the man broke into a fluid run.

_What—_

He took several frantic breaths before calling out wildly, 'Who the hell are you? Where are you taking me?'

'It doesn't matter', came the gasping reply. 'And I don't know anyway!'

Hiroki was so absurdly thankful for his assailant's speed that he could not bring himself to be indignant just yet. He hung limply over the stranger's shoulder and closed his weary eyes against the sidewalk that seemed to fly away from them. _Anything is better._

_Thank you._ He found that he did not care very much why he had been whisked away by someone he had never seen; the man was running like his life depended on it, his breaths loud and heavy and warm. His whole body seemed quite warm. It was probably the exertion, Hiroki thought absently, still faint with relief despite his underlying agitation.

_I don't know where we're going or who you are, but it's okay. We're getting away from Akihiko._

_Akihiko..._

Too exhausted to care, Hiroki kept his eyes closed and gave up holding back his tears. He could only hope the faceless stranger would not reach his destination any time soon. As they tore through the streets of Tokyo like the wet streaks on his face, the brunet could have sworn that, in the brief instant the two of them had locked gazes, he had seen bright blue.


	5. Erasure

_Erasure_

oOo

Pride fought the alcohol.

The alcohol won.

oOo

When Hiroki came to, he found himself slipping in and out of consciousness as his senses slowly materialized again; the thrum of the city seemed farther away than usual, the sweaty crowd-smell a mere trace. He kept his eyes shut against what must be darkness, resting his head on the toothy roughness of the wall behind him.

_Cold,_ he thought bleakly, and passed out.

He woke up in what seemed to be the same position as before and with a steadily mounting pain in his temples. This time his mind managed a _Where...?_ Before falling back into drained silence.

"I don't care where I am", he murmured into the black behind his eyelids. His teeth had begun to chatter. "But I'm fucking cold."

_I want my gloves._

He drew his knees up to his chest, ignoring the several popping aches that sprung up at this, and burrowed into himself.

Hiroki sank again.

oOo

"Kamijou Hiroki."

_Cold...?_

_Warm._

"Kamijou Hiroki."

Kamijou Hiroki tensed before he was even fully awake, part of him plaintively begging to be allowed to sleep again. He was no longer cold; something light and soft but incredibly warm had been wrapped around him. Despite the throb in his temples and the corresponding ache in his limbs, he was comfortable enough to want to stay this way for a bit longer.

_A bit longer..._

_How long has it been? What the fuck happened?_

_I want my gloves._

He'd gone to Akihiko's party, and found someone named Nami...? _Namikawa?_ He didn't care. What he cared about was that he'd left with Akihiko...

"_Hiroki, are you drunk?"_

"_Hiroki."_

"_Hiroki, stop! You'll hurt yourself!"_

_Hiroki, Hiroki, Hiroki... ugh..._ His head hurt worse now.

"Kamijou Hiroki", said the voice for a third time. The nineteen-year-old shuddered weakly and forced his eyes open. _Time to wake up._

It was a while before the world swam into view; lights blossomed in and out of his vision and he had to struggle not to close his eyes again. He did not care where he was. He did not care about anything much anymore.

Was the voice growing closer?

"Kamijou Hiroki", it repeated; softer this time, even tremulous. Hiroki scowled feebly and let out a little growl of irritation.

"Stop that", he tried to say, but his throat felt clogged and his voice came out as little more than a wheeze. His sight was showing him a gloomy gray dawn now—a dawn amongst concrete and wire fencing and old crates. _An alley..._

_Ugh..._

He turned towards the voice and the rest of his vision flew back at once.

The blue eyes, wide and alert, seemed to leap at him. Hiroki stared mutely at the cold-whitened face, even whiter against dark hair and oversized dark clothes and the dark woolen cap pulled low on the boy's forehead, his heart suddenly crashing against his ribs, all traces of sleep now gone.

_It's—_

"You." It wasn't a question.

The boy—_he __really is just__ a boy, there's no doubt about it—_lowered his gaze to the thin gray blanket that Hiroki now realized he was wrapped in. "Yes."

The world went quiet for a moment and Hiroki thought he could hear the diminishing throb of his head. The skipping beats of his heart. The unfurling mist of his breath in the morning air.

Then the boy spoke again. "How are you feeling, Kamijou Hiroki?" he asked evenly, not looking up.

"I don't know", Hiroki heard himself say. _And would you not call me that? _He added mentally with some petulance. The events of last night were becoming more pronounced in his memory and he thought he owed the kid some, but...

"Just stop calling me by my full name and I'll be able to think."

The boy nodded, unreadable. "Alright, Kamijou-san."

The silence stretched on and now Hiroki could almost hear the grinding of his own brain.

_Say something. Say something._ Was he referring to himself or to the owner of the eyes that followed him everywhere?

"Your friend calls you 'Hiro-chan' sometimes", the boy said suddenly. His eyes were on Hiroki's again and flashing with unexpected playfulness. Ignoring the older man's start of surprise, he went on, "It doesn't really suit you, though. Can I call you 'Hiro-san' instead?"

Hiroki meant to say "No"—with considerable heat—but what came out of his mouth was, "Why do you keep following me?"

An eyebrow went up. "I don't. You just catch sight of me when I happen to be around."

"But—!"

"I don't follow you, Hiro-san. I swear." And there was so much earnestness in those eyes—such comfort in the way he said "Hiro-san"—that Hiroki could almost believe it. _To hell with that. I don't really care if he's following me,_ he thought idly,_ as long as he isn't getting in my way. _There was something in the boy's innocence that caused him to abandon those questions in favor of more important ones.

_If he really does follow me, why is it so easy for me to forget that? Shouldn't I feel his eyes on me everywhere?_

"Say you don't follow me", he mumbled. "Why..."

_Why do you show up like this?_

_Why do you try to help me?_

_Why can't I turn you away when I don't even know your name?_

"Who are you?" Hiroki whispered at last.

"What do I look like?" _Is that a smile? Why?_

He shrugged helplessly; this whole thing felt dreamlike, surreal. He had never been so bewildered, yet so utterly content with his confusion, in his life. _I don't like this._ This _kid_ was unreal.

The boy's smile faltered only briefly before steadying again. "Some people around here call me an alley cat. You can call me that too, if you like."

"You're homeless." Hiroki knew it was true the moment he said it, and received a lighthearted nod in confirmation. "I suppose you'd call it that... This is my home, pretty much. These crates are surprisingly sturdy against the wind, and there's a tent-like tarp a little further in that's good for the rain. And that..." he gave a nod towards the blanket wrapped around the dumbstruck man, apparently about to continue, but stopped abruptly and let the rest of his words die away in a murmur.

"It's nice and warm", he said after a moment. "And you looked like you could use it. Would you like to keep it?"

"Are you shitting me?" Hiroki asked in disbelief. "I mean, it's warm, yeah, but—" He broke off, flailing for words, and resumed hurriedly, "Don't just go around giving stuff away. You need it more than anybody else."

_This is fucking surreal._

The "alley cat" let out a sudden laugh. "I've only given away one thing in my life, and that was to you too, Hiro-san."

"_Your friend calls you 'Hiro-chan' sometimes; it doesn't really suit you, though."_

_Oh god, he was talking about Akihiko..._

"Ah", Hiroki said shakily, at a loss for words. _That... Those gloves... I should have said thank you..._ "Yes, those... they're really good. I still have them." _They're so warm..._

_They've been dead useful,_ he thought dimly. _Because every time I meet Akihiko I come away shivering with cold._

He opened his mouth to say something, anything that would be construed as thanks, but the boy was talking again. "I'm glad you've been able to find some use for them. I don't think I ever really needed them to begin with—"

The hand in his hair caught him unawares, sweeping through his sweat-stained locks in one smooth motion. _What?_

_Warm._

_What?_ his thoughts stammered.

_Oh god._

"—as you can see", the alley cat finished with an even wider smile. This one looked nothing short of delighted at Hiroki's gaping shock. Even in the comfort of the blanket, he was sure had never experienced anything so warming, so much stronger than the cold.

_This isn't real. I swear I'm dreaming. Nothing is making sense._

"Am I asleep?" he managed.

Another laugh, this time genuinely amused. "No. You should be, after last night, but not here. It's about time you went to your own home, Hiro-san. I can show you the way from here if you're lost."

The back of Hiroki's mind stirred and he realized, to his faint horror, that he had completely forgotten about returning home. _I'd forgotten about going anywhere at all. I'd even forgotten about Akihiko for a few minutes. My whole life was the alley_

—_and the alley cat—_

_and this blanket, _he thought stubbornly. On the outside, he kept his face impassive and nodded.

_Say thank you._

_This is the second time now. He's weird, but you owe him. Say thank you._

_Thank—_

"I should be going now", he whispered.

The boy nodded serenely. "Okay. See you." After a heavy pause, "Now you know where I live, huh?"

Hiroki snorted as he shouldered his way out of the blanket, trying not to regret his refusal to take it home. _God damn it, Tokyo in the morning is fucking freezing._ "You don't live here", he said, sure of his words only as they crossed his lips. "You live all over the city. This is just the place you come to when you need to sleep."

"You're right." Hiroki was getting to his feet now and his back was turned to the boy, so he did not see the expression on that face—whitened with anxiety as much as the cold, he would discover later—as he said, "All of Tokyo is where I live, Hiro-san. That's why I don't call _myself_ homeless—with a home that's bigger than anybody else's, how could I be?"

_But..._

He batted the thought away. _Don't,_ he told himself. There was no good in allowing that particular question to form. "That's a nice way of looking at it", he told the kid dispassionately. _But..._

"See you, Hiro-san."

"Bye", said Hiroki quietly. His headache was mounting, as was the pain of last night; the spell had lifted. The world began to trickle back with all of its color and smell and now that it was here, he found that he would rather have let it go.

_For a while, this place was my life._

_It erased everything._

He did not look over his shoulder as he left the alley, but later on he did so almost every step of the way. _But if you live all over the city..._

His eyes sought blue ones in every corner of every street; he felt too dazed and weak even to berate himself.

_But if you live all over the city and you don't follow me..._

_How will I find you again?_

oOo

**Neko Nowaki will be a lot of things, but cute is not one of them. That is all.**


	6. Genesis

_Genesis_

oOo

Though he was already well-shielded from the rain, the arm around his shoulders pulled him closer.

Hiroki twitched irritably. "Do you mind not doing that in public?" _Or anywhere at all, for that matter?_

"Hey now", said Satou, smooth as ever. "I see you after over a year and this is how you choose to behave? It's good to see you, Kami-kun, but one might think that you're quite unhappy to see _me._"

_That's because I am...?_ Was he really, though? After so long with only Akihiko

—_but not only Akihiko, no—_

and his own moody thoughts for company, was he really so unhappy to have found one more familiar face in the gray crowds of the city?

"People might stare, that's all", he muttered. If Satou heard this over the downpour, he did not show it. They walked on in silence for a few minutes, the slap of their wet shoes against the concrete and the crash of rain on Satou's umbrella wafting around them.

_Where are we going?_

"Where are we going, Satou-san?" _Is this the way to his house?_ He couldn't remember.

"Where would you like to go?" Satou asked calmly.

"Anywhere, I don't really—so does that mean you've been steering me around without an actual destination this whole time?" Hiroki could feel his irritation mounting. _It's raining, too. _His socks were uncomfortably wet inside his shoes and he had no intention of catching a cold so close to his midterms.

_I want my gloves._

"Of course not", Satou smiled in a way that said _of course I was._ "I was going to take you somewhere to eat, but we could have changed course if you had something in mind."

_Stop saying things like that. This isn't a fucking date. I just ran into you and you dragged me along because it was raining and I didn't have an umbrella._

"I'm not hungry", he said at last, trying to smooth his temper away. _It's been forever since I met with anyone except that asshole rabbit,_

—_and the alley cat—_

_so I might as well be thankful._ "I don't really know why you were so happy to see me anyway. I met you all of _once_, and ages ago at that—it's a wonder you remember me at all—"

"You underestimate the impression that you are capable of leaving on people, Kami-kun."

Hiroki cast him a sideways look, wondering if the rain had distorted the man's words. "Didn't quite catch that."

Satou's chest seemed to heave with something halfway between a sigh and a snort. "It's not important. But you should know that, in any case, I remember every single person I've ever been with."

_Unless you've slept with far less people than I was given to understand, I can't really believe that, Satou-san._

He had stopped noticing the gentle weight of the older man's arm around his shoulders.

"Why do you remember them?" he asked absently.

"Well, some of them come back", replied Satou, tilting his head ever so slightly as he gazed out ahead of him into the rain; being allowed to see this idiosyncrasy struck Hiroki as oddly intimate. "Hard to forget somebody you have regular sex with, yes? Others are people I know, so they end up staying in touch even if we don't hook up again. There are those whom I don't hope to see again, of course... those who leave immediately afterwards, even... but I never forget them either. And then there's a fourth kind..."

Hiroki waited for him to continue and cast Satou an inquiring look when he stayed silent. "A fourth kind?"

"Yeah", Satou said shortly; maybe it was the listless afternoon light, but the younger man thought he suddenly looked years older. "The kind that come for favors and repay me with sex. That's the one thing you can't run out of, you see."

"I do see." Hiroki's voice was quiet, his usual growl a mere simmer below the surface.

"That's a nice restaurant right there—not expensive, either, since I know you won't let me pay. Would you like to join me for lunch?"

"I would."

The pause that followed was brief but deafening.

"On second thought..."

"Yes, Kami-kun?" they were almost at the restaurant Satou had indicated; the loud yellow sign above the entrance read "Pandasan". _It's a family restaurant,_ Hiroki thought. _Why am I even surprised?_

"We can split the bill later", he said, looking determinedly ahead and sighing to himself at the familiar heat crashing into his face. "For now, I'll pay."

The arm lifted from his shoulders to close the umbrella as they stepped under the awning. Still unwilling to look him in the eye, Hiroki thought he heard a smile in his glib voice nonetheless as Satou replied, "If there's any treating to be done, it's on me."

_Ah..._

"Why do you do it?" he burst out at last, unable to throw the question aside. "Why do you let them—?"

"Why do I let them sell themselves to me, you mean?" There was no hint of a smile on Satou's handsome face now. _He's been expecting this question. ...Bastard._ "It's not for my sake, as I'm sure you know. It's for theirs."

Leaving Hiroki to wonder about that, he pushed open the door to Pandasan.

oOo

And later, as the rain danced over their heads on their way to Satou's apartment, Hiroki was startled but not really surprised by the sharp turn they took into a deserted alley. Nor was he entirely surprised at the nature of the kiss; rough and impatient and unrestrained. Biting back a small groan of satisfaction—_thanks to the midterms, it's been fucking weeks—_lest the taller man misinterpret it, he allowed his slim fingers to grip the sleeves of Satou's jacket and leaned forward.

"We could just fuck here, you know", Satou murmured against the student's flushed cheek. "Right here in this alley and nobody would even notice."

_If it weren't for this rain, I might even..._

_But you're wrong, _Hiroki thought suddenly. _There's always somebody. I've seen the somebody. I've met him._

When had he last seen the boy who called himself an alley cat?

"I can't afford to fall sick in this rain, sorry", he said, the words sharper than he'd intended them to be.

He almost expected Satou to say something egregious, something like _I'll take responsibility for your sickness _or _You won't fall sick if you stick with me,_ but the man's lips simply curved against Hiroki's skin and lifted, leaving him a little colder than he had been in the stinging rain. "Have it your way."

Hiroki felt absurdly thankful.

_You have no idea how much anger I've shut away since I first saw you this afternoon. I have no idea why._

_It's just such a relief to be with somebody, anybody but Akihiko..._ _But even so..._

"It's good to see you too, Satou-san", he mumbled as he was pulled in for one last kiss before they left the alley, curtained off from the city while, perched on a trashcan in the shadows, a dark-haired boy observed them with thoughtful eyes.

Hiroki did not notice. His own eyes had been shut the whole time.

oOo

And when it was over, when Hiroki had gathered enough feeling in his limbs to prop himself up on his elbows, he whispered, "Satou-san?"

"Trouble sleeping?" Satou looked relaxed and a lot less like himself in the hesitant light of his bedside lamp. His eyes were closed, but he had evidently not been asleep either.

"Be honest", Hiroki said evenly, ignoring the question. _You know as well as I do that I won't be here come morning_. "Why do you remember every single person you've slept with?"

Green eyes opened and regarded the younger man with lazy amusement. "It's really very simple, Kamijou."

"Is it?" Hiroki muttered as a hand reached out and cupped his chin, the thumb sliding over his bottom lip with the same fiercely uncomfortable tenderness that he had come to associate with everything that Satou ever did. He shivered at the contact—at that maddeningly out-of-place _intimacy_ he would never really get used to—and was given another one of those unreadable smiles.

"Yes. I've loved every single one of them."


	7. Germination

_Germination_

oOo

_Maybe I've just forgotten how to feel surprise._

_Maybe this isn't something I should be surprised at anyway._

Nonetheless, Hiroki felt the muscles of his calves tense just a little bit at the footsteps behind him, preparing to run for it should he need to.

He didn't need to. He needn't have bothered worrying. _It's him._

_Him._

_If I were to ask your name—you who already know mine—would you even tell me?_

"How long have you been following me?" he asked the pale evening without turning. A cheeky breeze curled in the air, and his gloved hands balled into fists in his pockets even though the rain had let up some time ago.

He had left Satou's apartment the moment it stopped raining.

A laugh, familiar and yet not, rippled from behind him. "I don't follow you, Hiro-san. Won't you turn around?"

Hiroki obliged—somewhat grudgingly, somewhat gratefully—and sure enough, there stood the alley cat, as young and fresh and unfathomable as ever. Though the student's gold-brown eyes first fell on his face like always, they glanced downward briefly to see that his scruffy black pants were wet from the knees down. It was not the first time that Hiroki had wondered whether the kid even owned any other clothes.

"It's getting cold, alley cat", he murmured.

A corner of the boy's mouth twitched upwards. "I've noticed. Would you like my blanket again? We're not far from... well, I wouldn't call it a home, but... we're not far from my base."

Something in the back of Hiroki's mind gave a sharp twinge. He ignored it in his haste to explain himself.

"I don't mean right now, stupid", he said roughly. "The weather. It's October. Winter's coming." _A colder winter than usual, too, from the look of it. _A chokingly awkward pause.

"Oh, you're talking about me?" It had not been phrased as a question, but Hiroki chose to hear it as one in his embarrassment and gave a tiny nod. The boy's smirk grew for the smallest of moments before becoming a genuine smile again. "You don't need to worry about me."

_Don't I?_

_Do I even worry?_

_Who are you?_

"I wasn't worrying", was what he said out loud; his voice sounded sharp, almost vehement. "There's no point in you dying of hypothermia, that's all."

He had not noticed, had not chosen to notice the sidling little footsteps that brought the alley cat closer, and now he was staring up into eyes that sparkled guilelessly at him from several inches above his own. It did nothing to make him feel any less flustered. "Are you even listening to me, kid?"

"I am", came the brief reply. Hiroki felt a hand close around his wrist, warm even through the admittedly thin sweater he wore, and his impulse to give in fought with his impulse to resist. His hand was lifted out of its pocket before he could resolve the battle.

_Ah._

_Oh, shit._

"Don't", he said shortly before the boy could open his mouth. "Just don't say a fucking word or I will end you."

Maybe he could shout down the color that was rising to his face.

The alley cat didn't look remotely ruffled; he gave the black glove a nod before letting Hiroki's hand drop gently down to his side. "I just wanted to see that you were using them."

"I am." _Why this fucking blush? What, god dammit?_ "But something tells me you'll be needing them this winter."

"Something tells _me_", the boy replied, serene but firm, "that if I've survived winter on the streets all these years, I can live through another one." Then in a wonderfully childlike gesture, he dropped his gaze to the ground and raised his own hand to the back of his head, absently raking at the unruly hair that rioted there beneath the woolen cap he always wore. "Thank you for your concern though, Hiro-san."

They were walking now, walking down the roads so easily, so _naturally_ that Hiroki was once again visited by that sense of unreality. _I've seen you—what, thrice? Thrice all my life. I don't know your name, I do know that for some reason you seem to follow my footsteps wherever they take me, but it's easier to walk with you than it's ever been with anyone else._

It made want to never stop walking, but he would not admit that to himself just yet.

"Where have you been, Hiro-san?" his companion asked after a minute of smooth silence.

_It's none of your business, _Hiroki thought tetchily, but he said, "To see a friend." Following a moment of deliberation—deliberation of the kind that accompanied a deep loneliness—he added, "I had to cut my visit short, though."

Of course he was asked why. _Of course when my words practically begged for it._ He sighed. "They were making me uncomfortable. They always do, to be honest."

But he was not asked why he kept seeing a friend who always made him uncomfortable, and for that he was grateful. If he had looked into the boy's knowing eyes at the moment, he would have understood why, but he kept his gaze almost determinedly on the road that they were about to cross.

"What's his name?"

The question did not surprise him. _Fucking nothing about this person ever surprises me. _It did pique his curiosity, though. "Why would you want to know? Fat lot of good it'd do you to ask me, anyway—I only know his surname and he shares it with half of Japan." _Damned common surname, that one._

_For that matter, _he thought suddenly,_ it might not even be his real name._

The fact that he knew so little about Satou actually comforted him.

"Half of Japan, you say", said the boy meditatively, his eyes toying with the red and green of the traffic lights and turning the colors into something inhumanly strange. "So his name's Satou?"

Hiroki shot him a sharp look that earned nothing but a grin. "I read in a newspaper once that Satou is the most common surname in Japan", the alley cat explained. "I thought I'd take a guess."

"You know how to read?" the words were out of his mouth before Hiroki could stop them; he bit his tongue, fuming at himself, as he saw neither a smile nor a twinkling eye in the young face.

"I do."

_I shouldn't have asked him that. Fuck. Me._

_I'm sorry._

_I'm—_

"How old are you, alley cat?" he asked quietly.

To his dizzy relief, the smile was back. "Fifteen, Hiro-san."

_For how many years have you been living like this? How have you been managing? How do you eat? How do you stay safe, a kid your age? Have you always been alone?_

_Have _I _always been alone too?_

_Is that why I don't push you away?_

Hiroki asked none of these questions, choosing to nod instead as they turned a corner. A few more blocks and he'd be back at his apartment. Would the boy accompany him that far into an area full of upscale apartments and glass buildings?

_I'm being an ass. He's the one who said all of Tokyo was his home._

But it was not more than a second later that his companion—the person whom he was rapidly beginning to think of as his friend—stopped in his tracks, the breeze blowing past him without a care.

"I'm sorry, Hiro-san, but this is where I leave you." For once, he carried no expression at all—not in his face, not in his clipped words. The boy had shut down completely.

Hiroki knew he should say something like _I never asked you to walk with me in the first place _or _Good, now I can go home in peace without you following me_ but when he opened his mouth to speak, the words were too jumbled to come out; he closed it and nodded again and tried to convince himself that he was neither disappointed nor slightly pink in the face.

"We'll meet again sometime, I think", said the boy, looking younger than ever, his body silhouetted against the watery sun in all its boyish lankiness. "Although I feel compelled to remind you that despite what you say, I don't really follow you."

_My ass you don't. _

_But maybe you don't._

Hiroki found himself saying, "Yeah. See you, kid."

The heat took him unawares. The world before his eyes seemed to dissolve all at once in a cloudburst of black fire as a lean but strong pair of arms tightened around him—he struggled to beat down his gasp, thinking dazedly,_ a surprise at last, it's about time_. Unable to either resist or reciprocate, unable to tell for sure if the very sidewalk beneath his feet existed or not, he closed his eyes against the alley cat's black-clad chest and breathed.

His hands trembled in their gloves.

"Something to keep you warm", the boy was saying softly. "You seem to need that more than I do. See you indeed, Hiro-san."

When the world had pieced itself back together and Hiroki could open his eyes, he was alone.

oOo

**1.** "**How old are you?" "Sewenteen, sir."**

**2. Nowaki is a lil shit. Just look at him u_u**


End file.
